Weekly Top Videos

How to Change a Fan Belt

2010-01-10T15:40:00.000-08:00

http://www.shortarmguy.com/howtochangeafanbelt.wmv

Hunting and Crapping Your Pants

2010-01-10T15:38:00.000-08:00

http://www.shortarmguy.com/huntingandcrappingyourpants.wmv

The Friendly Hippo

2010-01-10T15:36:00.000-08:00

http://www.shortarmguy.com/thefriendlyhippo.wmv

Tiger by the Tail

2010-01-10T15:05:00.000-08:00

Tiger Woods Christmas Song Parody

2010-01-10T15:00:00.000-08:00

The Butterfly Effect by Andy Andrews

2010-01-10T14:52:00.000-08:00

Crazy Photos --- January 10, 2010

2010-01-10T14:37:00.000-08:00

2009 Winners

2010-01-10T14:18:00.000-08:00

Fargo Reporter Falls for It

2010-01-10T14:15:00.000-08:00

Check out the second name listed...

How To Confuse an Idiot

2010-01-10T14:12:00.000-08:00

Monkey Spanking for Dummies

2010-01-10T14:10:00.000-08:00

School Teacher Arrested

2010-01-10T14:06:00.000-08:00

A public school teacher was arrested today at John F. Kennedy International Airport as he attempted to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a compass, a slide-rule and a calculator. At a morning press conference, the Attorney General said he believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-Gebra movement.

He did not identify the man, who has been charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction. "Al-Gebra is a problem for us," the Attorney General said. "They derive solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in search of absolute values. They use secret code names like 'X' and 'Y' and refer to themselves as 'unknowns', but we have determined that they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country.

As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, "There are 3 sides to every triangle."

When asked to comment on the arrest, President Obama said, "If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, he would have given us more fingers and toes."

White House aides told reporters they could not recall a more intelligent or profound statement by the President. It is believed that the Nobel Prize for Physics will follow.

Pictures of The Blizzard of 2010

2010-01-10T14:01:00.000-08:00

PHOTOS OF LEAD, SD AND DEADWOOD, SD SNOW STORM LAST WEEK........LEAD 52INS, DEADWOOD 48INS.......50 TO 76 MPH WINDS.

Tiger Shark Spotted off of South Florida Beaches

2010-01-10T13:45:00.000-08:00

The Real White House Party Crashers

2010-01-10T13:36:00.000-08:00

Hottest New Keyboard on the Market!

2010-01-10T13:31:00.000-08:00

Tiagra

2010-01-10T13:28:00.000-08:00

The USS Independence (LCS-2)

2010-01-10T13:18:00.000-08:00

Here are some recent photos of the LCS 2 (to be USS) Independence . She's at 43 knots here running at half power. NOTE the absence of a bow wave.

Turns tightly, also; allegedly this also was done at 43 knots...and from the look of the small bow wave, she's still in the turn.

And then we have the massive helo deck big enough for a CH-53. Last time I talked with the SURFPAC guys years ago. THIS was the LCS they liked because of the huge storage capacity under that flight deck and the size of the flight deck.

Note that there is very little spreading wake. In fact, it does not look like a wake at all, just foamy water from the water jets. Somehow, at 40 knots, you'd think there'd be more wake.

But she has one drawback, she's strange looking but aerodynamically designed, is this beginning of a new design in ships?

Here's a Look at The U.S. Navy's New Pirate Catchers!

WOW! A couple of these should be able to clean up the pirates off the coasts of Africa.....

This is the U.S.S. Independence (LCS-2).Here it is under construction....

It is a Triple Hulled, Weapon-Laden Monster.

There have been rumors about the U.S. Navy's speedy new triple hulled ships, but now they're for real.

The U.S.S Independence was built by General Dynamics. It's called a "littoral combat ship" (LCS), and the tri-maran can move its weapons around faster than any other ship in the Navy. (Ironic that with all that high tech built in, the ship reminds us of the Merrimac ironclad from Civil War days.)

Littoral means close to shore, and that's where these very ships will operate. They're tailor-made for launching helicopters and armored vehicles, sweeping mines and firing all manner of torpedoes, missiles and machine guns.

These ships are also relatively inexpensive. This one's a bargain at $208 million, and the Navy plans to build 55 of them.

This tri-maran is the first of a new fire breathing breed, ready to scoot out of dry dock at a rumored 60 knots.. It's like a speedy and heavily armed aircraft carrier for helicopters.

Pirates Beware!!!

Hooray for the USA !!!

How to terrify your friend!

2010-01-08T09:26:00.000-08:00

Bra Color Facebook Status

2010-01-07T20:31:00.000-08:00

All right. It took me awhile to figure this one out. But apparently women all over the world are updating their Facebook status with only a color and that color is that of their bra! Or as my boys like to call them, Boob Covers. This is an awesome new trend!! I've heard theories that it's a school kid thing started for young girls to confuse young boys. I've also heard it had a more honorable intent of spreading awareness for Breast Cancer. If it's the latter, I'd just like to say way to go! Anything we can do to eradicate breast cancer would be awesome!! I hope society takes it a step further and women actually start posting pictures of themselves in their bras! That would do so much good for the world!!! And for me personally.

Airport Security 2010

2010-01-05T21:04:00.000-08:00

I’m surprised that no one has branded the underwear bomber:

Fruit of the Boom. -

Old Dogs

2010-01-04T07:25:00.000-08:00

Old Dogs

One day the old German Shepherd starts chasing rabbits and before long, discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.

The old German Shepherd thinks, 'Oh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now!' Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap, the old German Shepherd exclaims loudly, 'Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder, if there are any more around here?'

Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. 'Whew!' says the leopard, 'That was close! That old German Shepherd nearly had me!'

Meanwhile, a young monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard.. So, off he goes, but the old German Shepherd sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up.

The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.

The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, 'Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!

Now, the old German Shepherd sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, 'What am I going to do now?', but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old German Shepherd says...

'Where's that darn monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!

Moral of this story ...

Don't mess with the old dogs... Age and skill will always overcome youth and treachery! BS and brilliance only come with age and experience.

The Wife is Upset Again!

2010-01-04T06:13:00.000-08:00

The wife bitched me out last night, for walking through the house with my boots on again. So I decided to jump on the bike and go for a quick spin, to cool down...

Boy, that pissed her off even more!!!

Shortarmguy Diary Entry for January 3, 2010

2010-01-03T16:38:00.000-08:00

Shortarmguy and the Olives

January 3, 2010

Click Here To Read All of this Week's Diary Entry from Shortarmguy

How Not To Fly a Seaplane

2010-01-03T13:22:00.000-08:00

http://www.shortarmguy.com/hownottolandaseaplane.wmv

The Hazards of Working at Home

2010-01-03T13:17:00.000-08:00

http://www.shortarmguy.com/thehazardsofworkingathome.wmv

The Deer Perspective

2010-01-03T13:13:00.000-08:00

http://www.shortarmguy.com/thedeerperspective.wmv

STORY OF A CHALLENGED SENIOR -

2010-01-03T12:35:00.000-08:00

At a certain age, everyone will understand this poor guy...

I thought about the 30 year business I ran with 1800 employees, all without a Blackberry that played music, took videos, pictures and communicated with Facebook and Twitter.

I signed up under duress for Twitter and Facebook, so my seven kids, their spouses, 13 grandkids and 2 great grand kids could communicate with me in the modern way. I figured I could handle something as simple as Twitter with only 140 characters of space.

That was before one of my grandkids hooked me up for Tweeter, Tweetree, Twhirl, Twitterfon, Tweetie and Twittererific Tweetdeck, Twitpix and something that sends every message to my cell phone and every other program within the texting world.

My phone was beeping every three minutes with the details of everything except the bowel movements of the entire next generation. I am not ready to live like this. I keep my cell phone in the garage in my golf bag.

The kids bought me a GPS for my last birthday because they say I get lost every now and then going over to the grocery store or library. I keep that in a box under my tool bench with the Blue tooth [it's red] phone I am supposed to use when I drive. I wore it once and was standing in line at Barnes and Noble talking to my wife as everyone in the nearest 50 yards was glaring at me. Seems I have to take my hearing aid out to use it and I got a little loud.

I mean the GPS looked pretty smart on my dash board, but the lady inside was the most annoying, rudest person I had run into in a long time. Every 10 minutes, she would sarcastically say, "Re-calc-ul-ating" You would think that she could be nicer. It was like she could barely tolerate me. She would let go with a deep sigh and then tell me to make a U-turn at the next light. Then when I would make a right turn instead, it was not good.

When I get really lost now, I call my wife and tell her the name of the cross streets and while she is starting to develop the same tone as Gypsy, the GSP lady, at least she loves me.

To be perfectly frank, I am still trying to learn how to use the cordless phones in our house. We have had them for 4 years, but I still haven't figured out how I can lose three phones all at once and have run around digging under chair cushions and checking bathrooms and the dirty laundry baskets when the phone rings. (sounds familiar, please let it keep ringing until I find it. .. . don't laugh, I am serious)

The world is just getting too complex for me. They even mess me up every time I go to the grocery store. You would think they could settle on something themselves but this sudden "Paper or Plastic?" every time I check out just knocks me for a loop.

I bought some of those cloth reusable bags to avoid looking confused but I never remember to take them in with me.

Now I toss it back to them. When they ask me, "Paper or Plastic?" I just say, "Doesn't matter to me. I am bi-sacksual.." Then it's their turn to stare at me with a blank look.

Demotes for January 3, 2010

2010-01-03T09:31:00.000-08:00

Poor Doggie

2010-01-03T09:26:00.000-08:00

The Roads Are Wicked Slippery

2010-01-03T09:25:00.000-08:00

Broke Black Golfer

2010-01-03T09:23:00.000-08:00

Snowmobile Trail Closed Due to Heavy Traffic

2010-01-03T09:13:00.000-08:00

Is SEX Work?

2010-01-03T08:41:00.000-08:00

You have to admire the logic in the PFC's answer....

Is SEX Work?

A U.S. Marine Colonel was about to start the morning briefing to his staff. While waiting for the coffee machine to finish its brewing, the colonel decided to pose a question to all assembled. He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before and he failed to get his usual amount of sound sleep.

He posed the question of just how much of sex was "work" and how much of it was "pleasure?"

A Major chimed in with 75-25% in favor of work.

A Captain said it was 50-50%.

A lieutenant responded with 25-75% in favor of pleasure, depending upon his state of inebriation at the time.

There being no consensus, the colonel turned to the PFC who was in charge of making the coffee. What was HIS opinion? Without any hesitation, the young PFC responded,

"Sir, it has to be 100% pleasure."

The colonel was surprised and, as you might guess, asked why?

"Well, sir, if there was any work involved, the officers would have me doing it for them."

The room fell silent.

God Bless the enlisted man.

and when you see a solider, Shake his hand...

Let Wal-Mart Run The Government!

2010-01-03T08:37:00.000-08:00

Wal-Mart

1. Americans spend $36,000,000 at Wal-Mart every hour of every day.

2. This works out to $20,928 profit every minute!

3. Wal-Mart will sell more from January 1 to St. Patrick's Day (March 17th) than Target sells all year.

4. Wal-Mart is bigger than Home Depot + Kroger + Target + Sears + Costco + K-Mart combined.

5. Wal-Mart employs 1.6 million people and is the largest private employer, and most speak English.

6. Wal-Mart is the largest company in the history of the world.

7. Wal-Mart now sells more food than Kroger & Safeway combined, and keep in mind they did this in only 5 years.

8. During this same period, 31 supermarket chains sought bankruptcy.

9. Wal-Mart now sells more food than any other store in the world.

10. Wal-Mart has approx 3,900 stores in the USA of which 1,906 are Super Centers; this is 1,000 more than it had 5 years ago.

11. This year 7.2 billion different purchasing experiences will occur At a Wal-Mart store. (Earth's population is approximately 6.5 Billion.)

12. 90% of all Americans live within 15 miles of a Wal-Mart.

You may think that I am complaining, but I am really laying the ground work for suggesting that MAYBE we should hire the guys who run Wal-Mart to fix the economy because the idiots in Washington sure can't do it!

Minnesota State of Mind

2010-01-03T06:59:00.000-08:00

Epic BMX Pool Jump

2010-01-03T06:53:00.000-08:00

I can do this!

Hacked Stop Signs

2009-12-31T15:48:00.000-08:00

Some Pretty Clever People Are Out There Defacing Government Property!

http://www.urlesque.com/2009/12/28/hacked-stop-signs-photos/

500 Days of Summer Dance Sequence

2009-12-31T10:08:00.000-08:00

United State of Pop 2009 - Mashup of Top 25 Billboard Hits

2009-12-29T17:29:00.000-08:00

Muse ---- Uprising

2009-12-29T12:40:00.000-08:00

I love this song!!!

Shortarmguy Diary Entry for December 27, 2009

2009-12-27T20:57:00.000-08:00

Shortarmguy and the White Christmas
December 27, 2009

Click Here To Read All of this Week's Diary Entry from Shortarmguy

Good Housekeeping

2009-12-27T18:26:00.000-08:00

http://www.shortarmguy.com/GoodHousekeeping.wmv

How to Shoot a Bow Like a Girl

2009-12-27T18:25:00.000-08:00

http://www.shortarmguy.com/howtoshootabowlikeagirl.wmv

Happy Nickmas!!

2009-12-27T18:23:00.000-08:00

http://www.shortarmguy.com/happynickmas.wmv

Winter Driving Sucks

2009-12-27T17:49:00.000-08:00

The Christmas Table Cloth

2009-12-27T17:39:00.000-08:00

The brand new pastor and his wife, newly assigned to their first ministry, to reopen a church in suburban Brooklyn , arrived in early October excited about their opportunities. When they saw their church, it was very run down and needed much work. They set a goal to have everything done in time to have their first service on Christmas Eve.

They worked hard, repairing pews, plastering walls, painting, etc, and on December 18 were ahead of schedule and just about finished.

On December 19 a terrible tempest - a driving rainstorm hit the area and lasted for two days.

On the 21st, the pastor went over to the church. His heart sank when he saw that the roof had leaked, causing a large area of plaster about 20 feet by 8 feet to fall off the front wall of the sanctuary just behind the pulpit, beginning about head high.

The pastor cleaned up the mess on the floor, and not knowing what else to do but postpone the Christmas Eve service, headed home.

On the way he noticed that a local business was having a flea market type sale for charity, so he stopped in. One of the items was a beautiful, handmade, ivory colored, crocheted tablecloth with exquisite work, fine colors and a Cross embroidered right in the center. It was just the right size to cover the hole in the front wall. He bought it and headed back to the church.

By this time it had started to snow. An older woman running from the opposite direction was trying to catch the bus. She missed it. The pastor invited her to wait in the warm church for the next bus 45 minutes later. She sat in a pew and paid no attention to the pastor while he got a ladder, hangers, etc., to put up the tablecloth as a wall tapestry. The pastor could hardly believe how beautiful it looked and it covered up the entire problem area.

Then he noticed the woman walking down the center aisle. Her face was like a sheet. "Pastor," she asked, "where did you get that tablecloth?"

The pastor explained. The woman asked him to check the lower right corner to see if the initials, EBG were crocheted into it there. They were. These were the initials of the woman, and she had made this tablecloth 35 years before, in Austria.

The woman could hardly believe it as the pastor told how he had just gotten "The Tablecloth". The woman explained that before the war she and her husband were well-to-do people in Austria. When the Nazis came, she was forced to leave. Her husband was going to follow her the next week. He was captured, sent to prison and never saw her husband or her home again.

The pastor wanted to give her the tablecloth; but she made the pastor keep it for the church...

The pastor insisted on driving her home. That was the least he could do. She lived on the other side of Staten Island and was only in Brooklyn for the day for a housecleaning job.

What a wonderful service they had on Christmas Eve. The church was almost full. The music and the spirit were great. At the end of the service, the pastor and his wife greeted everyone at the door and many said that they would return.

One older man, whom the pastor recognized from the neighborhood continued to sit in one of the pews and stare, and the pastor wondered why he wasn't leaving.

The man asked him where he got the tablecloth on the front wall because it was identical to one that his wife had made years ago when they lived in Austria before the war and how could there be two tablecloths so much alike?

He told the pastor how the Nazis came, how he forced his wife to flee for her safety and he was supposed to follow her, but he was arrested and put in a prison. He never saw his wife or his home again all the 35 years between.

The pastor asked him if he would allow him to take him for a little ride. They drove to Staten Island and to the same house where the pastor had taken the woman three days earlier.

He helped the man climb the three flights of Stairs to the woman's apartment, knocked on the door and he saw the greatest Christmas reunion he could ever imagine.

True Story - submitted by Pastor Rob Reid who says God does work in mysterious ways.

Recession Survival Tip

2009-12-27T17:36:00.000-08:00

US Presidency for Dummies

2009-12-27T17:33:00.000-08:00

Morgan Freeman Chain of Command

2009-12-27T17:31:00.000-08:00

Life After Death

2009-12-27T17:29:00.000-08:00

BOSS said to an employee:

"Do you believe in Life after Death?"

EMPLOYEE:

"Certainly not! There's no proof of it", he replied.

BOSS:

"Well, there is now. After you left early yesterday to go to your uncle's funeral, he came here looking for you."

What a Crazy Christmas 2009

2009-12-27T17:24:00.000-08:00

View from the Burj Dubai

2009-12-27T17:17:00.000-08:00

This is taken from world's tallest building 'Burj Dubai' @ 2,620 ft / 801m!!!

Look at the edge (uppermost right corner) of the picture, you can almost see the turn of the earth!!!

Dubai Real Estate

2009-12-27T17:12:00.000-08:00

Commuter Dogs

2009-12-27T17:03:00.000-08:00

Commuting Dogs in Moscow

STRAY dogs are commuting to and from a city centre on underground trains in search of food scraps.

The clever canines board the Tube each morning. After a hard day scavenging and begging on the streets, they hop back on the train and return to the suburbs where they spend the night. Experts studying the dogs say they even work together to make sure they get off at the right stop — after learning to judge the length of time they need to spend on the train. The mutts choose the quietest carriages at the front and back of the train.

They have also developed tactics to hustle humans into giving them more food on the streets of Moscow.

Scientists believe the phenomenon began after the Soviet Union collapsed in the 1990s, and Russia ’s new capitalists moved industrial complexes from the city centre to the suburbs. Dr Andrei Poiarkov, of the Moscow Ecology and Evolution Institute, said: “These complexes were used by homeless dogs as shelters, so the dogs had to move together with their houses. Because the best scavenging for food is in the city centre, the dogs had to learn how to travel on the subway — to get to the centre in the morning, then back home in the evening, just like people.”

Garbage Truck Living

2009-12-27T16:40:00.000-08:00

Nice Email of the Week --- December 27, 2009

2009-12-27T16:28:00.000-08:00

Hey Shortarmguy!

This is very cool!

If you go to this site:

http://www.letssaythanks.com/

and pick out a card, Xerox will send it to a soldier currently serving in Iraq. You can't pick who will get the card, but it will go to a member of the armed services. Whether you were for or against the war its still a nice way to acknowledge the men & women of our military!

Show them we are behind them, and wishing them a fast & safe return home!

Thanks for your time! Still a big fan!

Craig..aka...Bottled Blues

Merry Christmas And Happy New Year!

BarbieQ

2009-12-27T16:05:00.000-08:00

Dumb People --- December, 2009

2009-12-26T15:24:00.000-08:00

ONE

Recently, when I went to McDonald's I saw on the menu that you could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets.

I asked for a half dozen nuggets.

'We don't have half dozen nuggets,' said the teenager at the counter.

'You don't?' I replied.

'We only have six, nine, or twelve,' was the reply.

'So I can't order a half dozen nuggets, but I can order six?'

'That's right.'

So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets

(Unbelievable but sadly true...)

TWO

I was checking out at the local Woolworths with just a few items and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I picked up one of those 'dividers' that they keep by the cash register and placed it between our things so they wouldn't get mixed.

After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the 'divider', looking it all over for the bar code so she could scan it.

Not finding the bar code, she said to me, 'Do you know how much this is?'

I said to her 'I've changed my mind; I don't think I'll buy that today.'

She said 'OK,' and I paid her for the things and left.

She had no clue to what had just happened.

THREE

A woman at work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy drive and pulling it out very quickly.

When I inquired as to what she was doing, she said she was shopping on the Internet and they kept asking for a credit card number, so she was using the ATM 'thingy.'

(keep shuddering!!)

FOUR

I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. 'Do you need some help?' I asked.

She replied, 'I knew I! should have replaced the battery to this remote door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car... Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a battery to fit this?'

'Hmmm, I don't know. Do you have an alarm, too?' I asked.

'No, just this remote thingy,' she answered, handing it and the car keys to me. As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, 'Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries. It's a long walk....'

PLEASE just lay down before you hurt yourself !!

FIVE

Several years ago, we had an Intern who was none too swift. One day she was typing and turned to a secretary and said, 'I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I do?' 'Just use paper from the photocopier', the secretary told her. With that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five 'blank' copies.

Brunette, by the way!!

SIX

A mother calls 911 very worried asking the dispatcher if she needs to take her kid to the emergency room, the kid had eaten ants. The dispatcher tells her to give the kid some Benadryl and he should be fine, the mother says, 'I just gave him some ant killer......'

Dispatcher: 'Rush him in to emergency!'

Life is tough. It's even tougher if you're stupid!!!!

Quote of the Week --- December 26, 2009

2009-12-26T15:16:00.000-08:00

"Rowing harder doesn't help if the boat is headed in the wrong direction."

-- Kenichi Ohmae, business coach

SEXUAL BASES THROUGH THE DECADES

2009-12-22T20:10:00.000-08:00

This is naughty, but pretty dang funny!!

http://www.madatoms.com/site/blog/sexual-bases-through-the-decades

HP Computers are Racist!

2009-12-22T07:38:00.000-08:00

Shortarmguy Diary Entry for December 20, 2009

2009-12-20T17:41:00.000-08:00

Shortarmguy with family and Krazy Kory at the Mall of America
December 20, 2009

Click Here To Read All of this Week's Diary Entry from Shortarmguy

While Supplies Last

2009-12-20T15:51:00.000-08:00

Look what I taught my puppy to do!

2009-12-20T13:39:00.000-08:00

http://www.shortarmguy.com/lookwhatitaughtmypuppytodo.wmv

The Announcement

2009-12-20T13:36:00.000-08:00

http://www.shortarmguy.com/theannouncement.wmv

Tiger and Frank

2009-12-20T13:31:00.000-08:00

http://www.shortarmguy.com/tigerandfrank.wmv

Woodpecker VS Snake

2009-12-20T13:20:00.000-08:00

Crazy Photos --- December, 2009

2009-12-20T12:46:00.000-08:00

Why men shouldn't write advice columns

2009-12-20T12:41:00.000-08:00

Christmas Funnies 2009

2009-12-20T12:16:00.000-08:00

When I grow up.....I want to be just like Mommy!!

2009-12-20T12:01:00.000-08:00

Where did the white man go wrong?

2009-12-20T11:58:00.000-08:00

Indian Chief 'Two Eagles' was asked by a white government official, 'You have observed the white man for 90 years. You've seen his wars and his technological advances. You've seen his progress, and the damage he's done.'

The Chief nodded in agreement.

The official continued, 'Considering all these events, in your opinion, where did the white man go wrong?'

The Chief stared at the government official for over a minute and then calmly replied. 'When white man find land, Indians running it, no taxes, no debt, plenty buffalo, plenty beaver, clean water. Women did all the work, Medicine man free.. Indian man spend all day hunting and fishing; all night having sex.'

Then the chief leaned back and smiled. 'Only white man dumb enough to think he could improve system like that.'

Little gator caught in West Cocoa

2009-12-20T11:38:00.000-08:00

Anyone want to go Gator hunting in a 16' Jon Boat?

Little gator caught in West Cocoa

St Johns River in Central Florida

A sad day for male Tennis fans

2009-12-20T11:31:00.000-08:00

Halep is seen as one of the tennis stars of the future after winning a host of junior titles and a place in the final of the junior French Open last year.

But the 5-foot-5-inch Romanian tennis star said she thinks her 34DD bust is holding her back.

"This fall I'll have a breast reduction operation," Halep said.. "The breasts make me uncomfortable when I play."

"It's uncomfortable and limits my ability to react quickly," she added.

WILL SOMEONE PLEASE TELL THIS KID THAT WINNING ISN'T EVERYTHING!!

THIS SELFISH BRAT SHOULDN'T BE SO CONSUMED WITH HER OWN NEEDS! WHAT ABOUT US.... THE HARD-WORKIN EVERYDAY FAN????

THE NERVE OF SOME PEOPLE!!!

Microsoft Customer Satisfaction Mandate Looms

2009-12-20T10:37:00.000-08:00

Todd Swank, vice president of marketing at Microsoft Gold Certified partner Nor-Tech, sent 50 of his customers feedback surveys and within six weeks had the requisite 10 completes.

“So at first I was like, OK, we’ve got to do this to get Microsoft certified, but when it was all said and done and we got the consolidated results and could see what people were saying it was was eye-opening,” Swank said.

Nor-Tech, a 45 employee firm based in Burnsville, Minn., is a Microsoft small business specialist that also focuses on system building and high-performance computing. Swank said the first iteration of survey results told him that the company was on the right track with customers, but he lamented that the questions were too vanilla and not able to be customized for his business.

“They didn’t let us add our own questions to the survey, which would have been nice because it really looked like it was written by the Microsoft marketing department,” he said.

Bennani heard similar feedback from other partners and adjusted. Partners are now allowed to add their own questions to the standard survey to help elicit responses tailored and relevant to their specific business. The surveys are also co-branded between the partner and Microsoft.

Read Full Article Here:
http://www.channelinsider.com/c/a/Microsoft/Microsoft-Customer-Sat-Mandate-Looms-878938/

Mac Snow Leopard OS struggles against Windows 7

2009-12-20T10:34:00.000-08:00

"People want their iPhones to have enterprise functionality, and now, it essentially has the same OS as a Mac computer system. It's a great pathway into business accounts. In early 2010, Microsoft will probably have a good response to the iPhone," said Todd Swank, the vice president of marketing at Nor-Tech, a systems builder based in Burnsville, Minn.

Read Full Article Here:
http://searchitchannel.techtarget.com/news/article/0,289142,sid96_gci1377318,00.html#

The Known Universe

2009-12-19T06:48:00.000-08:00

View from Pahrump

2009-12-18T06:56:00.000-08:00

When you get to be my age, there's only one thing you notice...

2009-12-18T06:52:00.000-08:00

Early Dismissal

2009-12-18T06:45:00.000-08:00

It is near the Christmas break of the school year. The students have turned in all their work and there is really nothing more to do. All the children are restless and the teacher decides to have an early dismissal.

Teacher: "Whoever answers the questions I ask, first and correctly, can leave early today."

Little Johnny says to himself, "Good, I want to get outta here. I'm smart and will answer the question."

Teacher: "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Susie says, "Abraham Lincoln."

Teacher: "That's right Susie, you can go home."

Johnny is mad that Susie answered the question first.

Teacher: "Who said 'I Have a Dream'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Mary says, "Martin Luther King."

Teacher: "That's right Mary, you can go."

Johnny is even madder than before.

Teacher: "Who said 'Ask not, what your country can do for you'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Nancy says, "John F. Kennedy."

Teacher: "That's right Nancy , you may also leave."

Johnny is boiling mad that he has not been able to answer to any of the questions.

When the teacher turns her back Johnny says,

"I wish these b*tch%s would keep their mouths shut!"

The teacher turns around: "NOW WHO SAID THAT?"

Johnny: "TIGER WOODS. CAN I GO NOW?

Best Comeback of the Year

2009-12-18T06:43:00.000-08:00

A man boarded a plane with six kids.

After they got settled in their seats a woman sitting across the aisle from him leaned over to him and asked, "Are all of those kids yours?"

He replied, "No. I work for a condom company. These are customer complaints."

Wish I could think so quickly.

New Buick Open Trophy

2009-12-18T06:39:00.000-08:00

Nice Rack!!

2009-12-18T06:29:00.000-08:00

Christmas Party Memos

2009-12-18T05:44:00.000-08:00

Company Memo

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All Employees

DATE: October 1, 2009

RE: Gala Christmas Party

I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23rd, starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill House. There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We'll have a small band playing traditional carols... feel free to sing along.. And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus!

A Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00 PM. Exchanges of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over $10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone's pockets.

This gathering is only for employees! Our CEO will make a special announcement at that time!

Merry Christmas to you and your family,

Patty

_____________________________________________________________________

Company Memo

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All Employees

DATE: October 2, 2009

RE: Gala Holiday Party

In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Hanukkah is an important holiday, which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year.

However, from now on, we're calling it our "Holiday Party." The same policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians and to those still celebrating Reconciliation Day.

There will be no Christmas tree and no Christmas carols will be sung. We will have other types of music for your enjoyment. And yes, kosher foods will be provided and separated from the other trays.

Happy now?

Happy Holidays to you and your family,

Patty

_______________________________________________________________

Company Memo

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All Employees

DATE: October 3, 2009

RE: Holiday Party

Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non- drinking table, you didn't sign your name.. I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, "AA Only", you wouldn't be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed to handle this?

Somebody?

And sorry, but forget about the gift exchange, no gifts are allowed since the union members feel that $10.00 is too much money and the executives believe $10.00 is a little chintzy.

REMEMBER: NO GIFTS EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.

Patty

______________________________________________________________

Company Memo

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

To: All Employees

DATE: October 4, 2009

RE: Generic Holiday Party

What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20th begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours.

There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs. Perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party or else package everything for you to take it home in little foil doggy baggy. Will that work? Will that make you happy?

Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from the dessert buffet, and pregnant women will get the table closest to the restrooms.

Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with Gay men, each group will have their own table. Yes, there will be flower arrangement for the Gay men's table.

To the person asking permission to cross dress, the Grill House asks that no cross-dressing be allowed, apparently they've had past problems of confusion and shock in the restrooms. Sorry.

We will have booster seats for short people.

Low-fat food will be available for those on a diet.

I am sorry to report that we cannot control the amount of salt used in the food. The Grill House suggests that people with high blood pressure taste a bite first.

There will be fresh "low sugar" fruits as dessert for diabetics, but the restaurant cannot supply "no sugar" desserts. Sorry!

Did I miss anything?!?!?

Patty

_________________________________________________________________

Company Memo

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All F*%^ing Employees

DATE: October 5, 2009

RE: The F*%^ing Holiday Party

I've had it with you vegetarian pricks!!! We're going to keep this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death," as you so quaintly put it, and you'll get your f*%^ing salad bar, including organic tomatoes.

But you know, tomatoes have feelings, too. They scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them scream right NOW!

The rest of you f*%^ing wierdos can kiss my *ss. I hope you all have a rotten holiday! Drive drunk and die.

The B*tch from H*ll!!!

______________________________________________________

Company Memo

FROM: Joan Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director

DATE: October 6, 2009

RE: Patty Lewis and Holiday Party

I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery from her recent nervous breakdown and I'll continue to forward your cards and letters to her at the asylum.

In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.

Happy Whatever!

Joan

Shortarmguy Family Christmas Letter 2009

2009-12-16T17:48:00.000-08:00

Happy Birthday!

Whoops. We meant Merry Christmas. Sorry about that!

Well, here we are trying to write another nice Christmas letter where we pretend nothing but glorious things happened to us in the past year. But, we just can't do it. As far as we're concerned, the year 2009 can Suck It!

It started out with the simultaneous collapse of the stock market and real estate market which basically wiped out a whole bunch of our life savings. We tried to look at the bright side of things and tell each other that we didn't really like that money anyways, but it didn't seem to help.

In May, Todd had the bright idea of letting someone he'd never met before shoot lasers in his eyes to try to correct his vision. The surgery went good for the first few weeks then one beautiful morning, Todd woke up, opened his eyelids, and peeled off a big layer of his cornea. He ended up blind in that eye for a few days and it took a couple of months for his vision to get back to normal. Thank God, things seem pretty good for his eyes now.

Read about Shortarmguy's Lasik Surgery Here

Read about Shortarmguy's Eye Problems Here

July rolled around and we lost Sheri's father due to complications from heart surgery. Larry Haack was a wonderful husband and father and is greatly missed by his family. We like to think of him as being up in heaven, smiling down on us while riding the nicest John Deere Tractor that God can create and enjoying the great harvest in the sky!

Breaking News in the World of Golf

2009-12-14T08:30:00.000-08:00

Fox News and CNN have reported that Elin Nordegren moved to the top of the money list on the PGA Tour yesterday after 'beating' the world's number one golfer. The news came after the world's number one golfer inadvertently played the wrong hole...

Shortarmguy Diary Entry for December 13, 2009

2009-12-13T18:12:00.000-08:00

December 13, 2009

Shortarmguy and Family at The Vikings Vs Begals Game

Click Here To Read All of this Week's Diary Entry from Shortarmguy

Canadian Ice Fishing

2009-12-13T15:28:00.000-08:00

http://www.shortarmguy.com/CanadianIceFishing.wmv

Shortest Holdup Ever

2009-12-13T15:25:00.000-08:00

http://www.shortarmguy.com/shortestholdupever.wmv

Snugwow

2009-12-13T15:18:00.000-08:00

http://www.shortarmguy.com/snugwow.wmv

Nice Email of the Week --- December 13, 2009

2009-12-13T07:12:00.000-08:00

I CAME ACROSS YOUR WEBSITE WHILE BROWSING AND I MUST SAY THAT YOUR STORY IS TRULY INSPIRATIONAL. I TOO HAVE AN ARM THAT IS SHORTER THAN THE OTHER BUT NOT BY BIRTH. MY DEFECT HAPPEND BECAUSE OF THE AFTER AFFECTS OF MY MOTHERS DRUG USE WHEN SHE WAS PREGNANT WITH ME. I'M ADOPTED NOW. AND LIKE YOU I HAD TO DEAL WITH KIDS ASKING ME WHAT HAPPEND TO ME. IT'S A HARD THING TO DEAL WITH WHEN YOUR YOUNGER AND THE STARES THAT ADULTS GIVE YOU MAKES YOU WISH YOU COULD FIX IT, THEN AS I GOT OLDER I REALIZED THAT I'M DIFFERENT FOR A REASON AND A SURVIVOR. YOU SEE PEOPLE ON THE NEWS THAT SURVIVE A BOAT SINKING OR A GUN SHOT BUT HOW MANY PPL DO YOU KNOW THAT SURVIVE THEIR FIRST FEW INFANT MONTHS ON I.V'S IN THE HOSPITAL FOR MONTHS? I JUST WANT YOU TO KNOW THAT YOU BEING COMFORTABLE WITH THE WAY YOU LOOK MAKES ME FEEL COMFORTABLE AND A LITTLE LESS ALONE. THANKS.-ASHTEN FROM SEATTLE

Christmas Cheer 2009

2009-12-13T07:08:00.000-08:00

Amazing Picture of a Finnish Ice Breaker at Work

2009-12-13T06:57:00.000-08:00

Carcyle

2009-12-13T06:47:00.000-08:00

Only In Amite County, Mississippi

Today we have a special treat. I was running errands yesterday and saw a carcycle. This vehicle is actually registered as a car. Notice no engine on the motorcycle. The car was a front wheel drive Ford.

Bigfoot Spotted in Minnesota!

2009-12-13T06:41:00.000-08:00

Read Article Here:

http://www.startribune.com/local/78975102.html?elr=KArksLckD8EQDUoaEyqyP4O:DW3ckUiD3aPc:_Yyc:aUnciaec8O7EyUsl

Santa in the Summertime

2009-12-13T06:37:00.000-08:00

Now THIS is a Snowmobile!!

2009-12-13T06:33:00.000-08:00

Tiger and Santa

2009-12-13T06:29:00.000-08:00

It Appears Tiger is Hurting Everyone Lately...

2009-12-13T06:27:00.000-08:00